im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
