Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
