I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
