i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
