I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize