he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize