I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
