Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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