Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
COCAINE IS GR8
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
