this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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