Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
