My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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