Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
