my mouth tastes like poor choices
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
