You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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