Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I FOUND THE LEGS
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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