If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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