I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
