She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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