i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
