I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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