Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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