I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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