wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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