Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
