The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You're like the curious george of whores
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
