You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Im just a social blackout drinker.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
