Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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