just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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