just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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