first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
