once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
