I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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