how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
