i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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