Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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