She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
