I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
