So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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