Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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