She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
