Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
