My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
