I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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