Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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