The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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