when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
