I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
pop tarts are not kleenex
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
