You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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