and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
