I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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