I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
