apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
