dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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