Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
