My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
