does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
