I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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