She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
