the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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